Bipolar Weekly

Category: Depressive episodes

blogs that include the topic of depressive episodes

Addressing Self-Isolating When You Have Bipolar Disorder

October 9, 2022 /

When you have bipolar disorder it is easy to feel like you are alone and disconnected from the rest of the world. Our symptoms are difficult for people to understand because they only see behaviour that they might find frustrating, confusing and maybe even scary. This can lead to ruptured friendships, job loss and distancing by family members. Plus, some of our symptoms include negative thoughts and anxiety which may lead to an illogical fear of leaving our homes.

During my last manic episode, I was experiencing a lack of inhibitions which led to an impulsive decision to move to a small town. I was still high and experiencing psychosis when I moved there and I only have vague memories of what happened when I arrived. When the manic episode ended the tremendous darkness of a severe depressive episode seeped into my body.

I had never lived in a small town, and I did not know anyone who lived in the community. My mania had caused me to lose my job and I lost any connection I had to my former colleagues. My behavior when I was high caused ruptured friendships and distance between me and my family members. My appetite tanked. The most I would eat during the day was one sausage roll and maybe some orange juice. Some days, I didn’t eat anything at all. I didn’t have enough money to even get the internet or cable TV so I watched the same three DVDs everyday and I listened to the radio. I was so exhausted and achy that I spent most of my time in bed.

When my mood is low my anxiety is high. This means when I was awake, I was in a constant state of fear even though I was not in any danger. Plus, I was afraid that people would recognize me from when I had my manic episode if I went out in public and I feared how they would react to me. I would only leave my home to get necessities and then I would hurry back to lie in bed with body aches, fear and awful negative thoughts bombarding my brain.

I am fortunate because I have family members who care about me and were determined to support me regardless of the fact that there were no signs that I would be getting better anytime soon. They called me everyday imploring me to keep eating and encouraging me to keep trying to get better. In retrospect, all of those phone calls were crucial in helping me through that period in my life.

At some point, my energy improved, and I spent less time in bed, but I was still fearful of leaving my home. I made a goal to just get on the other side of the door to my house. It didn’t matter what I did or where I went after that. I just needed to get on the other side of the door. Once I was able to leave my home I found support and connection to people at a local church and gradually I started to feel more comfortable outside my place.

The piece that really made a huge difference for me is when I reconnected with my friends who have bipolar disorder. They understood what I was going through and reminded me of the tools I needed to implement to rebuild my life. Their support helped me tremendously in getting my life back on track.

Getting stuck in self-isolation is scary. You become imprisoned in your own home. The longer the isolation lasts the larger the gap between yourself and the rest of society feels. For me, the only solution was to just get on the other side of the door to my home. I had to take that one step that opened me up to the possibility of returning to the support and potential for joy that comes from being connected to people. This one step eventually grew into a life that I enjoy that includes a sense of fulfilment and stability.

Rebuilding Your Life After a Severe Episode

November 22, 2021 /

Having bipolar disorder can result in many losses that may destroy one’s belief in the possibility of returning to a positive life. Acute manic or depressive episodes can result in a lose of employment, relationships with a spouse, friends, and colleagues. Plus, it is common for people to lose all their money and assets.

For example, one could have a severe manic episode that results in an extreme amount of spending which can burn through people’s savings and assets. During this episode, one can become irritable which can lead to a loss of a job or relationships. If you experience psychosis such as hallucinations, paranoia or delusions of grandeur, people do not understand you are simply not well and may become fearful of you which can also lead to a loss of relationships. Perhaps, your spouse decides they cannot deal with the drama of your illness, and they leave. In just a couple of months, you can lose all your money, assets friendships, job, and spouse.

At the end of a manic episode a depressive episode will follow which includes symptoms like extreme exhaustion, body aches, poor concentration, suicidal ideation, and an inability to enjoy anything. It feels like you are a shell of a human being and it’s easy to become hopeless. However, it is possible to rebuild your life after this happens even though it seems impossible. I, and many other people who have bipolar disorder, have been able to claw their way back to a life they enjoy after these types of incidents.

My first depressive episode was the greatest amount of suffering I have ever experienced. I had lost everything. My career, marriage, all of my money and most of my friendships. My appetite was so poor I hardly ate anything, and I had to use two hands to brush my teeth. I spent several months lying in bed. This is common during depressive episodes because the fatigue is extreme, and the warmth of the bed helps ease the pain of the body aches.

To recover from this episode I made incremental improvements in my life on a daily basis. My first goal was to spend more time sitting up in bed rather than lying down the whole day. Eventually, I was able to spend more time out of bed. Then, I built on the tiny successes everyday. I would simply do my best to make the day a little bit better than the previous day. Eventually, this created a kind of moment that helped me start down the path of wellness.

This November I have been participating in Move for Movember, an initiative where I have to walk 60 km in one month for the 60 men who die by suicide every hour around the world. You can donate by clicking here. I was hesitant to participate in this campaign because last month I walked 0 km. But I used the same approach to completing the challenge that I have used to rebuild my life when bipolar takes so much from me. At first, I just did 2 km/day. Everyday, I managed to do a tiny bit and recently my walks have been longer. I have completed 56 km and there are still a few days left in November.

When bipolar disorder destroys your life the thought of ever having a life you enjoy again seems unfathomable, but it is possible. Methodically rebuilding your life one small piece at a time is the only way to get your life. Many people who have bipolar have done it so there is always hope that life will get better.

Allan Moves for Movember

November 1, 2021 /

The rate of suicide among people who have bipolar disorder is approximately 10 -30 times higher than the general population. Researchers estimate that between 25% and 60% of individuals with bipolar disorder will attempt suicide at least once in their lives and between 20% (of mostly untreated) people who have bipolar disorder will die by suicide. The reasons why this occurs can be complex but I will try to explain it from the perspective of someone who has the illness.

Most of these deaths occur during depressive episodes. When you understand the symptoms of depressive episodes it is easier to understand why these deaths occur. The first problematic symptom is that depressive episodes give you suicidal ideation. Our illness impacts our thoughts and behaviour when we are acutely ill. This is a physical response caused by the illness. In my experience, pep talks and trying to have a positive attitude will have little impact in improving these thoughts when our symptoms are severe. In fact, people may conclude that they are to blame for their symptoms because they are not trying hard enough to have a positive attitude which reaffirms any negative thoughts they are having about themselves.

There are other symptoms of depressive episodes that can contribute to suicidal ideation. You have thoughts that you are worthless, no one likes you, and every aspect of life appears dark. Depressive episodes create concentration problems which make conversations impossible. During acute depressive episodes it is very difficult to enjoy anything. This means eating, entertainment, family gatherings, music, Netflix do nothing for you. It feels like you are a shell of a human being, and it is easy to conclude that there is no purpose to staying alive.

Often people who have depressive episodes think their episode will continue for the rest of their lives which is rarely the case. We generally go back to baseline, and we may even head into hypomania or mania. It’s a journey to get the right mix of medication, therapy and a positive routine to create a positive life long term. There are many people who have bipolar disorder who are able to do this, one need only attend a peer support group to meet some of them.

This year, I will be participating in Move for Movember. For this campaign, I will be walking 60 km this month for the 60 men we lose every hour around the world to suicide. There is simply not enough support for men to receive the treatment they need to prevent these deaths so I am going to participate in the walk so that in my small way I can contribute to a solution to this problem. If you would like to make a donation in my name please click here.

If you are suffering from suicidal ideation, please know you are not alone. There are many people who have suffered just like you are. It is possible to have a better life. You may not be able to think of a solution to your problems but that does not mean that a solution does not exist.

Below are a few links to resources for support for people who are struggling with suicidal ideation.

Peer Support

OBAD (Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder)

DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance DBSA)

Distress Centre Lines

Crisis Services Canada 1-833-456-4566

Lifeline (US) 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Befriends Worldwide (International)

Lifeline (Australia) 13-11-14

The “I Am Ok” Costume

October 25, 2021 /

In my experience, most people who have bipolar disorder put a lot of effort into acting like they are fine despite the fact they are really struggling. This problem is not unique to bipolar disorder, but since it is the illness I have, I will focus on it for this blog.  

Many of the symptoms of bipolar disconnect us from people. At times, the illness prevents us from physically experiencing enjoyment. When this happens conversations are extremely difficult. People generally like to talk about positive experiences they’ve had or are having. When depressive episodes rob you from physically experiencing joy then that changes how you interact with people.

For example, depressive episodes prevent you from finding anything entertaining. You could go to a movie with a friend and when they ask you if you liked it you cannot say, “Normally, I would love it George, but right now I am experiencing a depressive episode which messes with neurotransmitters in my body, and as a result I cannot experience enjoyment right now.” I suppose you could say that, but it would probably be hard to maintain friendships if you did this on a regular basis and it is unlikely that your friend would understand what you mean. It is simpler and better for us if we just put the ” I am Ok” costume on and say we liked the movie.

It’s not just depressive episodes that are problematic. Hypomanic symptoms also require a lot of energy to make one appear “Ok.” During one of these episodes, you might notice that people keep asking you to stop interrupting them because you are talking too much or your brain is screaming at you to buy a bunch of stuff you do not need. You cannot say, “Please ignore me for awhile I’m hypomanic. Can I buy your shoes? I love this song. Do you love this song? Let’s dance on the escalator.” Instead of saying or doing these types of things you have to grit your teeth, put the costume on, smile and try not to say anything.

All of this may not seem like a big deal but it’s exhausting. Bipolar disorder is a chronic illness, so our medication helps a lot, but we still have to deal with our symptoms to varying degrees on a regular basis. When we are not well enough to get the costume over our shoulders the consequences can be harsh. A parent may be at a graduation or wedding and be unable to experience the joy of the moment and can be accused of being uncaring or cold. Someone who is hypomanic can lose a lot of money, relationships, and employment.

For me, the only relief I got from wearing the heavy, “I am ok” costume was attending peer support groups at OBAD. The format is simple. You show up at a meeting and just exist without any judgement or expectation. My first meeting was such a relief. My depressive episode was so severe I could barely manage to keep my eyes open and get a word out of my mouth. It didn’t matter. Listening to other people who had bipolar disorder talk about their experience made me feel connected and not alone. I could just be ill, and everyone understood, and they were comfortable with it.

What can people who do not have bipolar disorder do to help us when they notice we are struggling to get the costume on? Unfortunately, there is not much anyone can do. My neurotransmitters do not speak English so pep talks, advice or punitive judgement will not pop me back into wellness. I just need people to be patient and compassionate with me and, in time, I will feel better.

Fall and the Winter Months When You Have Bipolar Disorder

September 27, 2021 /

Over the years of facilitating peer support groups for people who have bipolar disorder, I have noticed that some individuals have their symptoms change in the Fall and Winter. In Calgary, during these months the days become shorter, and it can be uncomfortable to go outside in the cold weather. People tend to become less active and more isolated. All of these factors can lead to depressive episodes. There are some people who struggle with symptoms of mania or hypomania during the winter but most people I have encountered generally see their mood dip.

I used to really struggle during the Winter. My mood would become so low that I would have a hard time functioning. My psychiatrist had to make tweaks to my medication every year to help me get through it. For me, taking Vitamin D everyday has helped and doing fun activities like badminton and winter hiking have contributed to improving my quality of life in the winter.

Some people who have bipolar disorder sit in front of a light box every morning in the Winter. These lamps that are used to treat Season Affective Disorder, an illness that causes depressive symptoms in the winter, can also help people who have bipolar disorder. If you have bipolar, using these lamps can trigger manic episodes so it is important to work with a psychiatrist to determine the best way to use them.  

Having bipolar and leading a positive life is a lot of work. You have to be aware of your symptoms but not focus on them so much that it brings you down. You have to watch your stress level and use any tool available to you like exercise, meditation or counselling to keep it in check. You have to look for patterns like your bipolar disorder reacting to a change in season, negative relationships or the nature of the work you do. Once you learn how your own particular bipolar works and you find the right medication and coping mechanisms you can have a positive life that brings you moments of joy despite the suffering.

I hope you found todays blog interesting. I would be interested in hearing stories of other people who have issues with the change in season. I am a very curious about people who do not live in Calgary and what the winters are like where you live and if there any challenges during the winter months where you live.

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