Bipolar Weekly

Month: December 2020

Our Collective Resilience

December 28, 2020 /
Photo by Min An from Pexels

I do not believe, “Everything happens for a reason.” There is no reason why one child is born into a horrifically abusive home while another grows up in a nurturing environment.  I do not believe, “We all have our stuff.” Everyone struggles with their own personal adversity, but some suffer more than others. The world is not so simple that we have all been given an equal slice of the finite pie of personal hardship. I do believe that there can be positive outcomes from tragic circumstances.

There is nothing that I can write that could do justice to the cloud of darkness that Covid-19 has imposed on our world. The loss of life, mental health tragedies, isolation, strained work environments, exhausted medical staff and having our healthcare system pushed to the edge of collapse is hard to completely conceptualize. In my case, the major change has been the end of meeting in groups in public.

I am a peer support group facilitator for people who have bipolar disorder for an agency called OBAD, The Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder. I remember when we had to adapt to doing our meetings online, I was doubtful that they would be as effective as being present with others in the same space but they have been a success. Plus, we have gained the capacity to support individuals who live outside of Calgary. Covid-19 forced us to create a service that we will provide in addition to our regular meetings in the future.  

I am a member of Toastmasters International, a club that empowers people to improve their public speaking and leadership skills. When Covid-19 forced us to have our meetings online I was concerned they would be less meaningful but it has given us the opportunity to improve our speaking skills in front of a camera. In addition, we have new members who live in the UK, Ecuador, and the US. When it becomes safe to do our meetings in person, we will have hybrid meetings so our new friends who live in other countries can attend virtually.

Covid-19 has stung all of us in different ways and to varying degrees. I do not know what life has been like for exhausted healthcare workers or families who have lost loved ones and have not been able to grieve together, but I imagine the pain is enormous. Despite these challenges this catastrophic global disaster has allowed us to witness the emergence of human resiliency, strength and creative problem solving that we might never have experienced. My hope is that the discovery of these positive traits creates a momentum of change in our society that we will benefit from well into the future.  

Covid-19, Crochet and Christmas

December 21, 2020 /

Last Wednesday, I hit the wall. I struggled to get out of bed, I felt no desire to eat and I found music irritating. These are all signs of the start of a depressive episode for me. Just by coincidence, I had my appointment to see my psychiatrist on Thursday. Her assessment was that I was not experiencing a depressive episode but a psychosocial problem. She determined that the isolation that Covid-19 has imposed on my life has had a significant negative impact on my mental health.

People with bipolar disorder need structure and commitments. It prevents us from getting into ruts that can lead to the physical symptoms of depressive episodes. I volunteer with seniors at an agency called the Kerby Centre. I love the laughs that I share with the warm and appreciative staff and working with seniors gives me a sense of fulfillment. The Kerby Centre is providing crucial support to seniors in the Calgary area during Covid-19 but the building has been closed to the public and volunteers for the majority of the year so my position has been put on hold temporarily.

I cannot replace the time I spend at the Kerby Centre, but I can find other activities to sustain myself until the pandemic is over. After discussing several solutions with my psychiatrist, the most appealing idea that emerged was crochet. Crocheting is good for your brain and having a finished product will give me a sense of accomplishment. Many years ago, I learned how to crochet mainly out of curiosity and because I wanted to crochet stuffed animals as Christmas presents for my nieces and nephew.

This year, Covid-19 has changed Christmas celebrations. I will not be spending time with family during the holiday season. I will miss our traditions including singing Christmas Carols. When we sing “The Twelve Days of Christmas” we are all assigned different parts of the song to sing solo. I will miss my brother puffing up his chest, tilting his head back and extending his arm like an opera singer before he bellows, “Five! Golden! Rings!” He does it every year and it still makes everyone laugh.

We may not be able to hug, kiss or shake hands with one another but we are all still connected. I will not see any of my family members in person this Christmas but that does not change how much they love me and how much I love them. We all still care for our friends and neighbours even though the virus has robbed us of our ability to show it in the way we have all our lives. When the pandemic is over these gestures will take on a special meaning for us and we will never take them for granted again.

Bipolar Depression vs. Situational Depression

December 14, 2020 /

I wrote this blog a couple of years ago and it was published by the International Bipolar Foundation.

Bipolar Depression vs. Situational Depression

By: Allan G. Cooper

If you have 2 broken legs, climbing a hill would be extremely difficult. Even if you were a motivated person with an exceptional level of discipline, the physical damage to your legs would prevent you from making any progress.

Bipolar Depressive Episodes are similar because are bodies our physically unable to function properly when they occur. Fundamentally, Bipolar Disorder is a physical illness with psychological symptoms, not a psychological problem with physical symptoms.

Prior to my first manic episode in 1995, I had times in my life when I felt depressed. I felt depressed when my pet parrots died. I felt depressed when my parents got divorced. I felt depressed when at the conclusion of a socially successful first year at University I found out I failed Anthropology. These are all healthy emotional responses to events that took place in my life.

Bipolar Depressive Episodes are completely different. It includes the awful feeling of depression and so much more. My first depressive episode was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Despite the fact that I have a bachelor’s degree in Psychology nothing could have prepared me for that period in my life. I could not have even imagined that this type of suffering could even exist.

During a bipolar depressive episode, a lot of the human part of human existence is removed. All of my senses worked and my ability to move my limbs was fine but that was close to the limit of my capacity to interact with my environment.

During that time, I could tell you all of the colours in a bouquet of flowers but I would not be able to appreciate its beauty. I could tell you if food was salty, sweet or sour but I would not be able to enjoy the taste. I could tell the difference between Country, Jazz or Hit music but I would not be able to experience the music beyond that.

The fatigue was awful. I had to use both hands to brush my teeth and I only had the energy and appetite to eat a bun with butter and some milk everyday. I remember the day I was able to make a whole sandwich for the first time distinctly because it was such a surprise.

Like most people who go through this, I spent a great deal of time in bed. I was so tired and sleepy that I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I experienced a significant amount of physical pain so the warmth of staying under the covers helped me feel better.

In my opinion, the word “depression”, when it is used in reference to mental illness, is contributing to the stigma that people who have bipolar have to face. Those of us who have the illness will often hear well meaning-comments like: “when I feel down I take an extra vitamin B”. or, “when I feel depressed I go to a comedy club”. or, “when I am sad I spend the day watching Netflix and drinking wine.” Just like none of these things would help a broken leg they won’t help us.

There is no quick fix for getting out of a depressive episode. To get back to wellness your physical symptoms need to be dealt with. This includes finding the right medication

and physical activity that is realistic given the severity of your symptoms. Also, regular visits to a specialized medical doctor called a psychiatrist will be necessary.

This does not mean that therapy and other forms of balanced health practices have no value for people who have bipolar. Our illness is chronic so our energy to deal with life can be limited. Therapy can help us by reducing the stress from past traumatic experiences and it can give us tools to manage our symptoms more effectively.

People who have Bipolar Disorder have made tremendous contributions to society and I have had the pleasure of meeting some of them. If there was an increased understanding of the physical nature of Bipolar Disorder not only would that help those of us who have it thrive but it would also be a reflection of a society that is invested in fostering compassion and understanding.

Supporting a Friend in a Bipolar Depressive Episode

December 14, 2020 /

I wrote this blog a couple of years ago. It was published by The International Bipolar Foundation.

Supporting a Friend in a Bipolar Depressive Episode

By: Allan G. Cooper

When I am experiencing a Depressive Episode it feels like I am walking in a dark haze of sadness and fatigue. My limbs feel like they are twice as heavy and it takes a tremendous amount of will power to complete the simplest of tasks.

Social situations are a challenge because my anxiety is high and my concentration is poor. Normally, I enjoy talking and visiting with my friends but when I am in a Depressive Episode I hardly say a word. I end up sitting quietly trying to will my brain to jump on the merry-go-round of social interaction. This is one reason I avoid being with my friends when I am not well.

During Depressive Episodes, because my concentration is poor and my ability to experience pleasure is reduced, talking in a fun and spontaneous way is a challenge. Plus, common questions in conversation like “What did you do today?” can be difficult to answer for someone in a Depressive Episode. An honest response might be, “I laid in bed all day struggling with suicidal ideation”, but you can’t say that so it can be hard to talk about your day.

There is isn’t one exact formula for the best way to support someone during a Bipolar Depressive Episode. What works for one person may not be effective for someone else. I can only share what I find most helpful.

In my case, advice is not helpful. I know that when I am in a Depressive Episode I will be suffering for some time and I accept that. This means I don’t beat myself up for not being able to accomplish as much when I am not well. When people give me advice it makes me entertain the thought that maybe I am not trying hard enough. I struggle with self compassion when my mood is low so battling thoughts like this is just a waste of precious energy that I need to get through the day.

I may not be a lot of fun to be around when I am in a Depressive Episode but I still want to be around people. Attending a Peer Support group is a really great way to fulfill this need. Everyone understands how I feel and I don’t have to pretend I am ok. It can be helpful for people with Bipolar Disorder to have a friend go to their first meeting with them to help ease the anxiety of meeting new people.

When a friend invites me to join them on one of their activities it helps me to be more active in my life. For example, if someone says something like, “I am going to go for a walk. Why don’t you join me?” I find it very supportive. If I simply don’t have enough energy to go, I don’t feel bad because I know the activity does not require my presence. In this case, it’s important that my friend goes for a walk even if I decide not to go.

When I am experiencing a Depressive Episode, I feel extremely exhausted and when I make plans to meet friends it may take me forever just to leave my apartment. I have friends who understand this about me. They may go to a coffee shop and read until I can make it there to meet them. I don’t use my mood as an excuse to be disrespectful to people who insist on punctuality, but I will likely choose to spend time with people who are a little more flexible when I am not well.

Even though I am not good at communicating with others when my mood is low it is still nice to hear from people who care about me. A quick text or phone call from someone who is genuinely concerned means a lot to me. I may be too tired to talk but it’s nice to have human connection and it’s a small gesture that makes me feel better.

If someone asks me what they can do to help I will likely have no response. Again, the concentration required to assess my needs, figure out what would be an acceptable request and formulate a sentence communicating all of this is too great. It’s better for me if people offer help by specifically saying what they are willing to do. For example, since fatigue is such a problem, if someone offers to bring me supper when I am not well that’s helpful.

As long as you treat the person with Bipolar Disorder with care, patience and compassion any form of support is appreciated. Bipolar Disorder is chronic. The vast majority of us still battle depressive episodes to varying degrees even after an effective medication is found that reduces the severity of our symptoms. Positive support from friends and family can make the suffering more bearable and potentially speed up recovery.

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