Award winning author Jessica Waite describes herself as someone who has lived with and loved people who have bipolar disorder. In this episode on my podcast, The Bipolar Disorder Moment, she discusses her relationship with her late husband and shares some of the details of her soon to be released memoir. You can hear my podcast on most platforms or by clicking on one of the icons below.
I have experienced some frustration when discussing the role of my medication in the treatment of bipolar disorder to people who do not have the illness. Bipolar disorder is a physical illness which has physical and psychological symptoms. Bipolar disorder is not a psychological problem. Sometimes, I hear the sentiment that I am using medication as an easy crutch rather than face my life problems or sometimes people question if I even need medication. I have had people say, “Well, if it works for you that’s great,” with the emphasis on the “you.” Sometimes, people suggest yoga, exercise or meditation as a preferential solution to the issues bipolar causes in my life.
If I did not take medication I would be acutely ill frequently and I would likely require extensive psychiatric care on a daily basis. For me, the distinction between the symptoms of bipolar disorder and the regular ups and downs that everyone has is very clear. There was a time that I did not have bipolar disorder. The onset of my illness occurred in 1995. I was living in Japan and under a tremendous amount of stress which triggered my first manic episode. I had never had any symptoms of bipolar disorder before this happened.
At that time, I was experiencing psychosis. I was having delusions that made me believe I had reached enlightenment, could heal people with my mind, gain enormous wealth in a short period of time and that all my friends and family would quit their jobs and join me to live a life of endless joy and prosperity. Of course, none of that was true but bipolar disorder made it seem 100% real. I barely slept or ate any food. I am sure I was talking fast and a lot and I couldn’t sit still.
I returned to Canada and spent three months on the psych ward in Calgary and I saw multiple specialized medical doctors called psychiatrists. They were able to find the right medication to bring me down from my manic episode.
The depressive episode that followed was the worst level of anguish I have ever experienced in my life. The fatigue was so extreme that I had to use two hands to brush my teeth. I could only spend a few minutes away from my bed before being completely drained of energy and forced to return to the covers. I could intellectually recognize flavours, smells, colours and sounds but there was no human element of that perception. My body could recognize all of these but it was incapable of deriving pleasure or any meaning from any of it. My thoughts were stuck on negativity and suicidal ideation.
After I left the hospital, my psychiatrist worked on getting me the right medication and my depressive episode ran its course. I felt better and went back to work. After a few months, I started to wonder if I had bipolar disorder. After all, I had never experienced symptoms of the illness until my first episode. I thought that maybe it was just a one time thing so I decided to stop taking my medication. A few months later, I had another full blown manic episode that decimated my life. I have never stopped taking my medication since then.
There is no cure for bipolar disorder. My medication gives me a chance to live a positive life but it does not free me from my symptoms completely nor does it guarantee that I will never have an acute episode again. My last full blown, psychotic manic episode was in 2010 and I was taking my medication at the time.
I still have depressive episodes but they are milder than if I wasn’t taking medication. I occasionally have mild hypomania, a less severe form of mania, but I have a routine that prevents them from getting worse. I have learned that if I get too excited about my own ideas and I am experiencing a lot of stress I will likely have a manic episode even if I am taking medication. A high level of stress will trigger a depressive episode for me.
In addition to taking my medication, I have to make lifestyle choices to maintain a level of wellness that allows me to enjoy my life. I limit my activity level to what is within my capacity. I rarely consume alcohol. I have firm boundaries in my relationships. I try to stay active. I monitor my thoughts and I attend a peer support group. I see my psychiatrist regularly and we make adjustments to my medication if necessary. If I did not maintain this routine I am sure I would have another manic or severe depressive episode.
For me, the key to finding the right medication has been playing an active role in decisions when working with my psychiatrist. There is no imaging or blood test that a psychiatrist can use to assess your symptoms. They rely on us to give them the information they need to treat our bipolar disorder. Any information about your symptoms, side effects and current stressors in your life is helpful. Taking a notebook with this information and any questions you have to your appointments can be helpful.
For friends and family, the most supportive thing you can do is show compassion by understanding we suffer from a real illness with real physical symptoms. They are not made up in our head. When you imply otherwise it makes people blame themselves for their symptoms which is demoralizing and produces unnecessary feelings of shame. This in turn drastically reduces the chances of people regaining a positive life.
I am extremely grateful that I have medication that I respond to in a positive way. This is not the case for everyone. The side effects have been difficult and have contributed to other health problems I have and the day may come when my medication will not be effective in treating my bipolar disorder. But for right now, I am fairly content with my life and psychiatric medication has made that possible.
On December 23, 2022, my Bella left this world. The agonizing sadness I felt that day is a pain I don’t recall feeling in quite some time. It felt like some emotional bandage had been ripped from my body. I have lost pets before, but Bella’s passing is different. In the past few days, I have marveled at how a creature that was small enough for me to scoop up in one hand and bounce around like a baby in my arms would have such an emotional tie to my heart.
In Bella’s final moments I kept repeating the words, “Thank you,” to her. She helped me in so many ways that are beyond the capacity of any human being. In 2010, I had a full-blown psychotic manic episode. I lost my job and all the connections I had with colleagues, friends and family members were severed or significantly harmed. Bella’s reaction to my episode was to eat her food, drink her water, use her litter box and ignore me. When she felt like it, she would hop up on my lap and purr while she curled into a ball and fell asleep. It didn’t matter to her that I believed the CIA was chasing me and that I had a number in my head that had to be delivered to someone to save the world. She just treated me with love and affection.
When I crashed from that episode, I hit a horrible depression. I had very little money and I had moved to a small town impulsively in the middle of my manic episode. I met some wonderful people there but for the most part I felt disconnected from humanity and completely hopeless. The depressive episode symptoms seeped into my body. I ached all over and I could barely move. On most days I would only eat a sausage roll and drink a bit of orange juice. Often, I didn’t eat anything. Every day, I had an intense internal battle with suicidal ideation, and I rarely left my home or opened my drapes.
The only positive thing in my life at that time was Bella. When I was stuck lying in bed, she would hop up on top of me and fall asleep. When I came out to the living room, she would paw at the drapes, and I would open them so that she could lay down in the sunshine. At a time of desperate loneliness and despair she gave me little tidbits of joy and lots of affection.
Bella’s behaviour was often a reflection of how well I was doing. Sometimes, when I was watching TV, she would sit in front of me on the floor and stare at me. In time, my psychiatrist and I would call this her, “Get your sh*t together,” look. When it happened the first time it was unnerving. I would give her food and fresh water, clean her litter and try to play with her but she would continue to stare at me. At some point, I realized that this behaviour only happened when my mental health was off. It was a sign that I needed to make choices to improve how I was doing. I don’t remember the last time she stared at me like that. I guess she did a good job of teaching me the importance of self-care.
One of the chronic symptoms of bipolar disorder that is a challenge for me is that I have a poor appetite when my mood is low. When this happens, I don’t eat enough and then my depression gets worse which in turn reduces my appetite even further. One day, I wasn’t eating, and Bella was following me around and meowing at me. I gave her everything that would normally stop this behaviour, but she wouldn’t leave me alone. I got so frustrated that I sat at the table and started to eat. She stopped meowing and went to her bowl to eat. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, but she kept acting like this when I wasn’t eating and the only way to get her to stop was to sit down and eat.
Bella was a beautiful and elegant cat. When you offered her treats, she would pop up and dance around like a ballerina while she looked up at you in anticipation. If you happened to be standing by the drawer that contained the treats, she would give you the most disabling puppy dog eyes that you would be forced to give her one. She had a wonderful nature. She never hissed at me, and she was always cuddly and warm. My heart aches without my Bella but I know that this pain will eventually subside. I am tremendously grateful for the time we had together. I will never forget how she was able to put my world at ease by simply hopping up into my lap, rolling into a ball and falling asleep.
When you have bipolar disorder it is easy to feel like you are alone and disconnected from the rest of the world. Our symptoms are difficult for people to understand because they only see behaviour that they might find frustrating, confusing and maybe even scary. This can lead to ruptured friendships, job loss and distancing by family members. Plus, some of our symptoms include negative thoughts and anxiety which may lead to an illogical fear of leaving our homes.
During my last manic episode, I was experiencing a lack of inhibitions which led to an impulsive decision to move to a small town. I was still high and experiencing psychosis when I moved there and I only have vague memories of what happened when I arrived. When the manic episode ended the tremendous darkness of a severe depressive episode seeped into my body.
I had never lived in a small town, and I did not know anyone who lived in the community. My mania had caused me to lose my job and I lost any connection I had to my former colleagues. My behavior when I was high caused ruptured friendships and distance between me and my family members. My appetite tanked. The most I would eat during the day was one sausage roll and maybe some orange juice. Some days, I didn’t eat anything at all. I didn’t have enough money to even get the internet or cable TV so I watched the same three DVDs everyday and I listened to the radio. I was so exhausted and achy that I spent most of my time in bed.
When my mood is low my anxiety is high. This means when I was awake, I was in a constant state of fear even though I was not in any danger. Plus, I was afraid that people would recognize me from when I had my manic episode if I went out in public and I feared how they would react to me. I would only leave my home to get necessities and then I would hurry back to lie in bed with body aches, fear and awful negative thoughts bombarding my brain.
I am fortunate because I have family members who care about me and were determined to support me regardless of the fact that there were no signs that I would be getting better anytime soon. They called me everyday imploring me to keep eating and encouraging me to keep trying to get better. In retrospect, all of those phone calls were crucial in helping me through that period in my life.
At some point, my energy improved, and I spent less time in bed, but I was still fearful of leaving my home. I made a goal to just get on the other side of the door to my house. It didn’t matter what I did or where I went after that. I just needed to get on the other side of the door. Once I was able to leave my home I found support and connection to people at a local church and gradually I started to feel more comfortable outside my place.
The piece that really made a huge difference for me is when I reconnected with my friends who have bipolar disorder. They understood what I was going through and reminded me of the tools I needed to implement to rebuild my life. Their support helped me tremendously in getting my life back on track.
Getting stuck in self-isolation is scary. You become imprisoned in your own home. The longer the isolation lasts the larger the gap between yourself and the rest of society feels. For me, the only solution was to just get on the other side of the door to my home. I had to take that one step that opened me up to the possibility of returning to the support and potential for joy that comes from being connected to people. This one step eventually grew into a life that I enjoy that includes a sense of fulfilment and stability.
When you have an illness that includes symptoms that make you believe you are a god, causes hyper sexuality, extreme irritability and crippling fatigue, people may not want to be around you. These symptoms of bipolar disorder can make it a challenge to keep friendships.
I have had three full blown manic episodes where I was psychotic and I have had several acute depressive episodes. Every time they happen, I lose most of my friendships. The most devastating symptoms I have when I have manic episodes are irritability and psychosis. Once the episodes are over, some people avoid you and act extremely uncomfortable around you. Both reactions are not conducive to positive relationships. During depressive episodes, it is hard to socialize because of the fatigue which has also led to a loss of friendships.
For me, the foundation of creating friendships despite the chaos that my illness causes is support from my friends who have bipolar disorder. They are compassionate, non-judgmental, creative and intelligent. I am comfortable being around them regardless of how well I am because they understand what I am going through. They have empowered me to create a consistent positive life despite the chronic nature of the illness.
In addition, I take my medication, see my psychiatrist regularly, and I have an activity level that is within my capacity. I am aware of changes in my body that may mean an acute episode may be coming and make adjustments to my routine accordingly. I have done everything in my power to decrease the chances of a full-blown episode from occurring and I have a routine that makes my chronic symptoms more manageable. This has led to consistent stability which has helped me with my relationships.
Now, I have several friends. In addition to my friends who have bipolar disorder, I value my friends who do not have the illness and have stuck with me despite some of the challenges I face. Plus, I have new friends who have no idea that I have an illness that has made me believe I am a god on one occasion. I am grateful for all of them. They make me laugh, bring me joy and ground me in a sense of connection. They support me through difficult times, and I have the honour of supporting them when they go through challenges.
Human beings need to feel that they belong to our massive herd. In my opinion, for people who have bipolar disorder, this connection can be cultivated by building a positive routine that minimizes the probability of having an acute episode. If one can achieve this level of functioning, you can attract the people you need into your life and create greater resilience as well as long term happiness and fulfillment.
World Bipolar Day takes places today, March 30th, on the birthday of Vincent Van Gogh who was posthumously diagnosed as probably having bipolar disorder. An initiative of the International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF), the Asian Network of Bipolar Disorder (ANBD) and the International Society for Bipolar Disorder (ISBD) World Bipolar Day is dedicated to raising awareness, creating solidarity of support amongst people who have bipolar disorder and advocating for resources and funding for international initiatives that support research and services for people who have bipolar disorder. For more information on World Bipolar Day consult the official website.
In addition, Crest.Bd will be hosting their AMA (Ask Me Anything) event on Reddit. This online question and answer event will start at 11 am (MST) on Wednesday, March 30th, 2022 and it will continue for forty-eight hours.
To get involved in World Bipolar Day via social media click here. You can also consult the World Bipolar Day Facebook Page.
Making a donation to one of the following organizations that help people who suffer from bipolar disorder is another way to participate in the cause on World Bipolar Day.
The International Bipolar Foundation (IBPF)
The International Society for Bipolar Disorders (ISBD)
If you have a blog or other social media presence, consider posting information and links regarding bipolar disorder and World Bipolar Day.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1995, I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had the illness and lived in fear that people would find out I had it. In the last few years, stigma has improved substantially which has allowed me to speak and write about my experience with having bipolar disorder publicly however stigma is still very real. People continue to have issues with unfair treatment by employers, family and friends simply because they have a chronic illness that is often misunderstood. World Bipolar Day is dedicated to an international explosion of awareness, advocacy and fund raising that makes me feel hopeful that people with bipolar disorder will have a better life in the future.
This podcast is the audio from an interview I did on my good friend Brian Pearson’s podcast, The Mystic Cave. Brian and I discuss resiliency in the face of adversity and my yet to be published book, Brain Betrayal: The Allan They Never Met.
Brian is a talented blogger, musician, author and speaker and you can learn more about him, read his blog and get access to his other podcasts on his site, The Mystic Cave. Click on any of the buttons below to listen to my podcast, The Bipolar Disorder Moment.
I was watching a Netflix series the other day and a character who has bipolar disorder showed up on the screen. I just held my breath. The portrayal of people who have bipolar disorder in movies and TV is usually awful. In the beginning of this portion of the show, the character is psychotic and the other characters are compassionate, understanding and patient with her. They seem to understand that she is not well. I was pleasantly surprised at first.
Then, as the story progressed her mood becomes aggressive, and she ends up doing extensive property damage that creates another calamity for the other characters in the story to overcome. As I watched her smashing electronics with the butt end of a fire extinguisher I just felt overcome with frustration. Whenever I see an actor portray someone who has bipolar disorder there is always an element of the scene where the person is violent.
People who have mental illnesses are no more likely to be violent than the general population. We are more likely to be victims of violence. I understand that violence in shows is entertaining but the consequences of all these depictions of people who have bipolar disorder as being violent is that it perpetuates a stigma that can be hard on us.
Rather than sharing statistics or making logical arguments about why this is wrong I have decided to counteract the negativity with my personal experience of why most people who have bipolar disorder are great.
1 Compassionate
There is something about having life knock you around that creates a deeper understanding of what suffering feels like. The symptoms of bipolar disorder can take away your capacity for joy, rob you of any energy to do any task, tear away all your relationships, money, self esteem and make you believe that dying by suicide is a good idea. I had never experienced true hopelessness until after my first manic episode decimated my life. The gift of all this suffering is it increases our capacity to relate to other people’s suffering and respond with tremendous compassion.
2 Non-judgemental
When people who have bipolar disorder are not well some of our symptoms include behaviour most of us are quite ashamed of. Even though we understand that it is not our fault, the reaction of people who do not have bipolar disorder to our behaviour after the episode is over can be humiliating. For example, during an episode you may believe you have become a benevolent god or that you have a number that will save the world. The resulting behaviour scares some people and they will treat you differently once your psychosis is over. The resulting shame and humiliation teaches us that judging others can be extremely hurtful and unfair and as result we are less likely to quickly judge people without understanding their circumstances.
3 Intelligent
A lot of people who have bipolar disorder are super smart. Some of the most intelligent people I know have bipolar disorder. However, I feel like I have to mention that sometimes when we are psychotic, we think we are super intelligent and have amazing ideas when we are not.
4 Creative
Not everyone who has bipolar disorder is creative but there are many of us who are. My theory is that this is because people who have bipolar disorder seem to have an endless stream of thoughts that take up a lot of our energy in the day. When we are well, expressing these thoughts through artistic pursuit can result in some impressive creations. I feel like I have to mention that there are times when we are not well and we think we are producing beautiful artistic creations when we are just creating terrible messes.
5 Interesting
I don’t think I have ever met someone who has bipolar disorder who is boring. When we are experiencing depressive episodes, conversation is impossible so people who do not have bipolar disorder may conclude we are boring. My experience has been that most people who have bipolar disorder are fascinating to talk to.
6 Resilient
Take a moment and look around you and appreciate what you have. Now, imagine that something takes all of it away from you. I assume when you looked around you saw evidence of positive relationships, shelter, financial security, dignity and respect from the community. For some people who have bipolar disorder, this can all be taken away multiple times because of our symptoms yet we find a way to rebuild and keep going. I am extremely proud to be connected to other people who have bipolar disorder because of this trait.
7 Determination
Even though life keeps knocking us back we continue to strive to be better and have a better life.
8 Patience
You cannot flip the switch when you are not well and suddenly snap out of it. A positive life requires us to patiently and methodically put pieces in our life that promote long term stability and joy.
9 Great sense of humor
This one might be because the biggest laughs I get in my life is during the time I spend with people who have bipolar disorder. Let me know in the comments section below if you have an opinion on this.
10 General awesomeness
I couldn’t think of a tenth thing but I’m sure there are some things I forgot and they would belong in this category.
As always, this blog is based on my experience. If your experience is different or you think something should be added or removed from the list let me know in the comments below.
If you have had challenges finding and keeping employment because of your mental illness Prospect Human Services can help. Lindsay Rawding, Prospect Peer Coordinator, talks about her role at Prospect and the services they provide. Please click on any of the buttons below to listen to this episode on my podcast, The Bipolar Disorder Moment.
Here are my top ten tips for having a positive life when you have bipolar disorder. They are based on my own personal experience and what I have learnt from my psychiatrist and peer support.
1. Ask Yourself What Is Best For Your Mental Health
When I am faced with a difficult decision the first thing I ask myself is what is best for my mental health. When you have bipolar disorder you have to be mindful of how you spend your energy because we cannot afford to waste any if we want to maintain a positive life.
2.Take your meds.
There is no cure for bipolar disorder, but the right medication can give us a chance to have a positive life. Finding the right medication is generally a long process but there are things you can do to speed things up and make your treatment more effective. Bring as much information as possible with with you when you see your psychiatrist. This can include mood charts, a list of when and how you experience your symptoms and any side effects that your medication is giving you. There is no blood test or imaging device that a psychiatrist can use to treat your bipolar disorder. They rely on what we report to make their decisions. Do not discontinue your meds without psychiatric consultation because you feel fine. This would be like discontinuing diabetes medication because your sugar levels have returned to normal.
3. Don’t be hard on yourself.
People who have bipolar disorder often blame themselves for their symptoms. This can create a sense of discouragement which leads to less activity and ultimately worsens symptoms. I have found it is better to acknowledge that I am having a depressive episode which comes with real physical symptoms of fatigue, aches and pains, poor concentration, and an inability to enjoy things. When this happens, I just try to do my best to keep going. It doesn’t matter what I do or how well I do it I just try to keep moving, stay out of bed and keep my commitments. If I can do these things the day has been a success
4. Attend Peer Support.
Having people in your life who understand what you are going through, provide encouragement and tips on how to deal with it can be extremely helpful. I frequently say peer support is like magic, and for many of us, it is as important as medication. During the bad days, it is nice to have peers who truly understand the challenges that come with having the illness and authentically applaud every effort made to overcome symptoms.
5. Keep moving.
If you can commit to an exercise routine that is fantastic, but any amount of movement is good for the vast majority of people who have bipolar disorder. When I notice depressive episode symptoms starting, if I begin to walk regularly the episodes are not as severe and they do not last as long. When you are not well, the thought of exercise can be overwhelming, and you may not have the physical energy to do it. If that is the case, then just keep moving. Just do the best you can to stay out of bed.
6. See your psychiatrist regularly.
It is important to have a routine on when you see your psychiatrist even when things are going well. Bipolar disorder symptoms can change quickly and access to a psychiatrist is important. If your symptoms are becoming acute contact your psychiatrist right away and see if you can see them prior to your next appointment. If I was a psychiatrist, I would rather see a patient before things become severely acute rather than have to treat someone who needs to be hospitalized. I imagine there are psychiatrist who do not or cannot accommodate that type of care, but it is important to do the best we can to advocate for ourselves to receive the treatment we require.
7. Attend therapy.
Not everyone with bipolar disorder needs to deal with trauma from their past but if you do it can make living with bipolar disorder difficult. An innocuous event may trigger a flash back which results in stress making our symptoms worse. Therapy can also teach us skills to address negative thinking patterns that cause stress, anxiety and relationship problems.
8. Practice Mindfulness.
Mindfulness is a method one can use to stay in the present moment and, with practice, it can provide relief from the constant thoughts that bombard your brain when you have bipolar disorder. It can also help reduce the pain of memories of events that happened when we were acutely ill that cause shame and reduce anxiety.
9. Have a structured routine.
People with bipolar disorder thrive when they have structure. The right level of commitments and activities is different for everyone but a routine that includes meaningful work, paid or volunteer, physical activity, a healthy social life and recreation can create a life that people can enjoy.
10. Welcome Joy Into Your Life
Happiness is not a symptom. If you feel good and you are not having symptoms of mania then enjoy it. Do what brings you joy. If you are creative then create to your hearts content. Maybe volunteering, helping others or random acts of kindness brings you joy. It doesn’t matter what it is, just try and make space for it in your life.
Happy New Year everyone! I hope it brings you all the joy and prosperity you can handle. Please leave a comment below to tell me what you think of my list. Did I leave anything out? Are some of them ridiculous? Are some of them brilliant? Any feedback is appreciated.
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