On December 23, 2022, my Bella left this world. The agonizing sadness I felt that day is a pain I don’t recall feeling in quite some time. It felt like some emotional bandage had been ripped from my body. I have lost pets before, but Bella’s passing is different. In the past few days, I have marveled at how a creature that was small enough for me to scoop up in one hand and bounce around like a baby in my arms would have such an emotional tie to my heart.
In Bella’s final moments I kept repeating the words, “Thank you,” to her. She helped me in so many ways that are beyond the capacity of any human being. In 2010, I had a full-blown psychotic manic episode. I lost my job and all the connections I had with colleagues, friends and family members were severed or significantly harmed. Bella’s reaction to my episode was to eat her food, drink her water, use her litter box and ignore me. When she felt like it, she would hop up on my lap and purr while she curled into a ball and fell asleep. It didn’t matter to her that I believed the CIA was chasing me and that I had a number in my head that had to be delivered to someone to save the world. She just treated me with love and affection.
When I crashed from that episode, I hit a horrible depression. I had very little money and I had moved to a small town impulsively in the middle of my manic episode. I met some wonderful people there but for the most part I felt disconnected from humanity and completely hopeless. The depressive episode symptoms seeped into my body. I ached all over and I could barely move. On most days I would only eat a sausage roll and drink a bit of orange juice. Often, I didn’t eat anything. Every day, I had an intense internal battle with suicidal ideation, and I rarely left my home or opened my drapes.
The only positive thing in my life at that time was Bella. When I was stuck lying in bed, she would hop up on top of me and fall asleep. When I came out to the living room, she would paw at the drapes, and I would open them so that she could lay down in the sunshine. At a time of desperate loneliness and despair she gave me little tidbits of joy and lots of affection.
Bella’s behaviour was often a reflection of how well I was doing. Sometimes, when I was watching TV, she would sit in front of me on the floor and stare at me. In time, my psychiatrist and I would call this her, “Get your sh*t together,” look. When it happened the first time it was unnerving. I would give her food and fresh water, clean her litter and try to play with her but she would continue to stare at me. At some point, I realized that this behaviour only happened when my mental health was off. It was a sign that I needed to make choices to improve how I was doing. I don’t remember the last time she stared at me like that. I guess she did a good job of teaching me the importance of self-care.
One of the chronic symptoms of bipolar disorder that is a challenge for me is that I have a poor appetite when my mood is low. When this happens, I don’t eat enough and then my depression gets worse which in turn reduces my appetite even further. One day, I wasn’t eating, and Bella was following me around and meowing at me. I gave her everything that would normally stop this behaviour, but she wouldn’t leave me alone. I got so frustrated that I sat at the table and started to eat. She stopped meowing and went to her bowl to eat. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, but she kept acting like this when I wasn’t eating and the only way to get her to stop was to sit down and eat.
Bella was a beautiful and elegant cat. When you offered her treats, she would pop up and dance around like a ballerina while she looked up at you in anticipation. If you happened to be standing by the drawer that contained the treats, she would give you the most disabling puppy dog eyes that you would be forced to give her one. She had a wonderful nature. She never hissed at me, and she was always cuddly and warm. My heart aches without my Bella but I know that this pain will eventually subside. I am tremendously grateful for the time we had together. I will never forget how she was able to put my world at ease by simply hopping up into my lap, rolling into a ball and falling asleep.
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