This month on my podcast I discuss the experience of having friends who have bipolar disorder with my friend Shadna. The topic of suicidal ideation is covered in this podcast.
Month: February 2021
I would describe myself as an extroverted introvert. I need my alone time and I need my not alone time. Most of the laughter and energetic spark in my life comes from interactions with people. Due to the isolation in my life because of Covid-19, I have not been able to do my volunteer job, play badminton, and go to coffee shops which has been hard on me.
Several weeks ago, I told my psychiatrist I felt terrible and I thought I might be having a depressive episode. After doing her assessment, she said that it was not a depressive episode, but stress caused by the isolation. The best solution we could come up with was teaching myself to crochet to promote a more positive state of mind and distract myself.
The first thing I tried to make was a hat. I spent more time untangling the yarn and unravelling all the stiches because of mistakes I made than making the hat. I felt like breaking my little wooden crochet hook in half and throwing it off my balcony. Then, I made mittens. I think the designers of the pattern live close to the equator because it had so many big holes that they offered little protection from the cold we experience in Canada.
Then, I received a request from a friend for a crocheted infinity scarf. I looked it up on YouTube and it looked like a scarf that is in a ring. I followed the instructions on the video, and when I was done my ring, it had a twist in it. I thought that was the reason it was called an infinity scarf. I found out infinity scarves do not have twists, so I undid the whole thing and remade it. When I saw my psychiatrist, she told me an infinite scarf with a twist is a mobius scarf. I wish I had known that before I took it apart.
I have continued to crochet despite the stress it causes me at times. Recently, I was making a scarf and I realized that it has a value beyond mindfulness and the satisfaction of creating something new. When I make something for someone, the care I put into making it is an extension of my feelings for them. This experience makes me feel connected to the people I love and reminds me that we are all still together even though our opportunities to occupy the same physical space have become limited.
In my life, I have often heard people say that everyone has a mental illness. The intent is to make me feel better that I have one. Unfortunately, the statement is not true, and it does not make anyone who has a mental illness feel better.
There is a difference between mental health and mental illness. Mental health is concerned with ones’ overall mental well being just like physical health refers to our bodies’ state of wellness. Mental illnesses, like bipolar disorder, have symptoms that are unique to the illness. They can be debilitating and at times so severe that they require hospitalization.
I believe mental health awareness campaigns try to decrease stigma by promoting the idea that everyone has a mental illness. In my personal experience, this seems to be working to a certain extent because it has become more acceptable to have conversations about bipolar disorder. The problem is that it has created some confusion as well.
No one is seeking a greater amount of pity because the nature of our suffering is unique to those who have bipolar disorder, but it is difficult to feel misunderstood. I am ok with the fact that I have bipolar disorder and my life experience is different from people who do not have it. To be honest, I am proud to share a personal connection to all the extraordinary individuals I have met who have bipolar disorder.
In my opinion, bipolar disorder belongs in the physical health category more than the mental health category anyway. I see a specialized medical doctor, called a psychiatrist, for treatment of my bipolar disorder. When I see her, she asks me about my physical symptoms such as how many hours per night I am sleeping, if I am having difficulty concentrating or if I have the capacity to experience enjoyment. This assessment informs her decisions on the medication she prescribes for me.
Stigma still exists. A lack of understanding of the nature of mental illnesses can cause employers to perceive employees who have one as lazy or incompetent. People who have other health problems are often treated with more compassion. Friends and family members can interpret the opinions and emotional reactions of people with mental illnesses as symptoms of their illness which is invalidating and hurtful.
Mental health awareness campaigns have opened the door to discussions on mental illness. Now, we have the opportunity to clarify what it means to have one. This understanding would decrease stigma giving people who have mental illnesses a greater chance to thrive and contribute to society.
This blog was published by the International Bipolar Foundation a couple of years ago. The meetings that I describe in this blog have gone online now because of Covid-19 but they have been just as powerful as they were when we met in person.
By: Allan G. Cooper
“Psychiatrists can tell you about the ocean by reading about it and seeing it in their practice but we know what it’s like to be in the water”.
This is how my co-worker Ray explains peer support. We work for an agency called OBAD, the Organization for Bipolar Affective Disorder, in Calgary, Canada. We facilitate drop in peer support groups for people with the illness.
When I went to my first meeting, I was experiencing another crippling depressive episode. My connection to life seemed to be fading away and I was on the verge of losing my job. I only had enough energy to barely feed myself and lie in bed obsessing about suicide.
I called the distress centre line in Calgary and they put me through to the Mental Health Mobile Response Team. They came to my home to meet me and they suggested I go to an OBAD meeting.
I could barely find the energy to walk and forming a sentence in a social setting seemed impossible. I hated support groups. I felt like they just confirmed the fact that I was different from everyone else. But, I had become hopeless and I was desperate to find anything to make the pain stop.
At my first meeting, I sat with my head down avoiding eye contact with everyone. Partially because I can be shy around new people but mostly because I was just exhausted.
When the meeting started I was surprised that the facilitators also had bipolar. As we went around the room, people talked about whatever they felt like including suicide, psychosis or sometimes they just talked about their day.
When it was my turn, I was nervous at first but one of the facilitators gently coaxed me into sharing with the group. Reluctantly, I began to talk about my life and that is when I first experienced the magic of peer support.
I told them about my suicidal thoughts and my shame for having them along with the perception that I was a coward because I couldn’t do it. I told them that I was afraid of losing my job, my friends and financial stability. Everyone nodded in understanding as I spoke.
When people said words of encouragement to me they started with, “when I was going through …”. Everyone, including the facilitators, talked from the perspective of their own personal experiences. It was like opening a can of instant hope.
Sometimes, when people who don’t have bipolar ask me about our meetings they find it confusing.
“So, do you guys have topics?”
“Nope.”
“Do you have coffee and snacks?”
“Nope”.
“Do you have a list of rules on the board and write down goals?”
“Nope”.
“I don’t get it. What’s the point?”
The fact that they don’t get it is precisely the point. When you attend an OBAD meeting you can relax and take off the costume of pretending to be perfectly fine. You can be in a severe depressive episode and not be able to say a word and the group will genuinely congratulate you for making it to the meeting.
If you are hypomanic and babble on and on, the group may help you by dropping hints or sharing stories of the damage that hypomania can do to your life. Or, we just listen and when you come down from the high there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed because we all understand.
After I started to attend meetings regularly my life started to turn in a positive direction. I did not lose my job and I was able to achieve a lengthy period of stability after that first meeting.
The shame I had of having the illness dissipated and the tips I learned from the facilitators and other members of the group proved to be invaluable.
Seven years ago, I became one of the facilitators of the group. I have had the privilege of seeing the progress of people’s recovery first hand. The day someone is able to smile after an extended period of suffering is special to me. They are usually not aware of the change because the transition is so gradual but it is a distinct moment for me.
If you have bipolar disorder even though it may feel like it at times you are not alone. You share a special connection to some of the most extraordinary people in the world. We are in this together and with the help of our peers we can stay well and find joy in our lives despite the suffering.
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