When you have bipolar disorder it is easy to feel like you are alone and disconnected from the rest of the world. Our symptoms are difficult for people to understand because they only see behaviour that they might find frustrating, confusing and maybe even scary. This can lead to ruptured friendships, job loss and distancing by family members. Plus, some of our symptoms include negative thoughts and anxiety which may lead to an illogical fear of leaving our homes.

During my last manic episode, I was experiencing a lack of inhibitions which led to an impulsive decision to move to a small town. I was still high and experiencing psychosis when I moved there and I only have vague memories of what happened when I arrived. When the manic episode ended the tremendous darkness of a severe depressive episode seeped into my body.

I had never lived in a small town, and I did not know anyone who lived in the community. My mania had caused me to lose my job and I lost any connection I had to my former colleagues. My behavior when I was high caused ruptured friendships and distance between me and my family members. My appetite tanked. The most I would eat during the day was one sausage roll and maybe some orange juice. Some days, I didn’t eat anything at all. I didn’t have enough money to even get the internet or cable TV so I watched the same three DVDs everyday and I listened to the radio. I was so exhausted and achy that I spent most of my time in bed.

When my mood is low my anxiety is high. This means when I was awake, I was in a constant state of fear even though I was not in any danger. Plus, I was afraid that people would recognize me from when I had my manic episode if I went out in public and I feared how they would react to me. I would only leave my home to get necessities and then I would hurry back to lie in bed with body aches, fear and awful negative thoughts bombarding my brain.

I am fortunate because I have family members who care about me and were determined to support me regardless of the fact that there were no signs that I would be getting better anytime soon. They called me everyday imploring me to keep eating and encouraging me to keep trying to get better. In retrospect, all of those phone calls were crucial in helping me through that period in my life.

At some point, my energy improved, and I spent less time in bed, but I was still fearful of leaving my home. I made a goal to just get on the other side of the door to my house. It didn’t matter what I did or where I went after that. I just needed to get on the other side of the door. Once I was able to leave my home I found support and connection to people at a local church and gradually I started to feel more comfortable outside my place.

The piece that really made a huge difference for me is when I reconnected with my friends who have bipolar disorder. They understood what I was going through and reminded me of the tools I needed to implement to rebuild my life. Their support helped me tremendously in getting my life back on track.

Getting stuck in self-isolation is scary. You become imprisoned in your own home. The longer the isolation lasts the larger the gap between yourself and the rest of society feels. For me, the only solution was to just get on the other side of the door to my home. I had to take that one step that opened me up to the possibility of returning to the support and potential for joy that comes from being connected to people. This one step eventually grew into a life that I enjoy that includes a sense of fulfilment and stability.